Young-uns Times-A-Ticking- Don't Waste Your Youth On Leggings

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying...

When I studied this poem in college, I thought it was super creepy and I was sure that the poet Robert Herrick was a some kind of nasty predator.

But alas... as it turns out, old Robbie was onto something: we don't stay rosebuds forever (yes, I know that's not exactly the full meaning of the verse but it's not not the meaning either).

What old Robbie was saying is that no one stays young forever, timing is fleeting... soooo... don't waste your working metabolism and working knees and bendy joints and generous sex-drive being pious. Which as a 56 year old, I must admit is good advice but...I'd like to add: don't waste your youth wearing leggings or anything else a 50/60 year old (who's not J Lo or Nicole Kidman or a Real Housewife) could also wear.

Leggings are the most offensive thing you can do to your youth. It's like thumbing a nose in its face. You can wear anything, anything at all – cowboy boots with cutoffs, fringe, sequins tube tops, pleather mini-skirts, a bikini top with a fedora, high-waisted pants – literally anything. No matter your size or shape, your youthfulness can carry off just about anything.

Listen, femmes under 35... no one else wants to tell you this but I'm gonna give it to you straight: no matter how much you workout or how many hours you spend in an airless heated room doing yoga with goats, or how many miles you run or walk or ride, or how many burpees you do – it all slides down, it all goes sideways, it all puckers, it plumps, it wilts, it changes. All of it. Your breasts --no matter you cup size-- will eventually divorce one-another. You'll know this has happened when one day you lay back and your left breast disappears under its armpit and the your right goes the other way. Trust me, whatever you like about your body right now, I swear to you (without filler or some fancy suction something or other plastic surgery wonder) it will abandon you.

Time and gravity come for all of us. They don't give a shit about your metabolic rate. They couldn't care less about all the kale you ate and the kombuchas you drank. Trust me, time is eager to march right across your face and stomp down your body. And all the while gravity will be tag-teaming, like a pro-wrestler, yanking and pulling your skin, doing its best to strip it from your skeleton and pin it to the grave.

Sooooo... for the love of god!!!! Stop it with the leggings (and puffer jackets and puffer vests while I'm at it).

First of all... it's soooo unoriginal. And, this is your time to be your most authentically original without looking like a kooky old lady who calls her clothing "pieces" and her jewelry "art". Your YOUTH--FULL--NESS is your art!!!!(yes, I too kinda hate that I did that "Full" thing but I couldn't help myself 🤮)

Please, please, please, please wear the mini skirts and the cut-offs. Not into femme shit? Okay wear pants... wear jeans... Who cares if your "ass looks too big in it" – you still have a discernible ass that hasn't melted into your kneecaps!!!

Dear young'uns, I'll give it to you straight: Leggings are ugly. I'm sorry but they are friggin' ugly and they are ridiculously expensive. Be honest with your yourself - do you really think anyone's sweaty crotch or camel toe looks any better just because it's covered in $$$$ worth of breathable knitwear? No. It doesn't. (also, your crotch... I'm sorry to tell you, it's aging too).

And romance writers... I blame you!!! Quit putting your heroines in leggings and making it seem like it's the sexiest outfit the love interest has ever set eyes on. BLAH!!! It's ludicrous! Leggings are the scrunchy of the legs. Basic as hell. Wanna hot ass heroine? Take a look at Molly's wardrobe from Insecure? Let her wardrobe inspire you.

Now back to you young'uns... there will come a day when you will not be able to wear the pretty backless sundresses (because as I write, the skin on your back is slowly sliding, melting into something you won't recognize... gravity is already laying claim). There will come a time when even leggings will look like a wonky pair of used condoms stretched across your thighs...

This is a recommendation you can take or leave. But trust me, if you're lucky enough to reach your middle and golden years, one day, you're gonna go shopping and wish you could buy the sexy little slippy little slipper of a dress, or the lacy little mini-skirt or super fun short shorts, or the off-shoulder thin t-shirt that looks like it's on the cusp of a nip-slip. But you'll be older and therefore hopefully wise enough to know that those days are long long gone. Sooo....

Gather ye rosebuds, rosebuds. Do it before the petals fall off.